My column: The first Heller-Berkley debate


Moderator: “Good evening and welcome to the first U.S. Senate debate between Senator Dean Heller and Congresswoman Shelley Berkley.”

Man shouts from audience: “Go get him, Shelley! I want him gone.”

Moderator: “Senator Reid, you really must try to control yourself. My first question goes to the congresswoman: Senator Heller says you are the most unethical and corrupt person he has ever met. Your reaction?”

Berkley: “I have never done anything that wasn’t motivated by my desire to make my constituents’ lives better. Besides, the senator supports Paul Ryan and wants to end Medicare as we know it. And he loves Big Oil. And Wall Street. Let’s change the subject. How about this: I love veterans more than he does and I built the new VA."”

Moderator: “Senator Heller, your response?”

Heller: “First, the Filipino vets like me better. And have I mentioned that the congresswoman is under investigation by the House Ethics Committee and was named one of the most corrupt people in Congress by a nonpartisan group? And she wanted to cut $700 billion from Medicare in Obamacare. Let’s stick on those subjects and those alone.”

Man in audience again: “Ask him why we can’t get web poker passed!”

Moderator: “Senator Reid! Some decorum, please.”

Berkley: “If I may: Senator Heller loves to talk about my ethics, but why did he miss that diamond scam no one understands and how come he called that convicted radio guy his good friend? Hello, pot! And I don’t mean the marijuana your good friend was selling.”

Heller: “Congresswoman, you know I had nothing to do with that diamond deal and as for Eddie Floyd, I have a lot of friends and I can’t be responsible for his behavior. On the other hand, your husband is more than a good friend to you and you took actions to make him richer. That is, yourself richer, too. People see in that ad the kinds of expensive shoes you buy. You are the Carrie Bradshaw of congresswomen!”

Berkley: “How sexist of you, senator. It’s no wonder women are not supporting you. That and your pro-life position and how you don’t think women should be in control of their own bodies. And if I may add: Big Oil. Wall Street. End Medicare as we know it.”

Heller: “Actually, I think most women would be appalled at how you seem to think being in Congress is a way for you to help your husband. That’s an old way of thinking. I think women should be independent and stand up for people not in their family. And on a related subject, have I mentioned my “no budget, no pay” bill yet? People love that – including women!"

Berkley: “Listen, Mr. Appointed Senator, you can’t fool the people of this great state with silly bills that don’t do anything but appeal to the lowest common denominator. I am working day in and day out to help the people.”

Heller (interrupting): “Or your husband, you unethical and corrupt 14-year congresswoman!”

Berkley: “Hey, how’s your good friend, Eddie Floyd the felon doing, senator?”

Moderator: “Ok, ok. Let me jump in here before this gets too erudite. Senator, what is your solution to the problem of entitlement spending? You did vote twice for Paul Ryan’s budget.”

From the audience: “Yeah. Take that, Dean.”

Moderator: “Senator Reid, please don’t make me ask you to leave.”

Heller: “Why doesn’t Senator Reid come up here and debate me instead of Congresswoman Berkley. He’s got the puppet strings anyhow.”

Berkley: “Again with the sexism. Harry didn’t even want me to run and I stood up to him. Right, Harry?”

Reid slumps down in his chair, waves her off.

Moderator: “Senator, the question?”

Heller: “We do have a problem in this country with entitlement spending. But I will protect all seniors. And, if I may raise a relevant point: She is unethical.”

Berkley: “He voted twice to end Medicare as we know it. He loves Paul Ryan’s idea to destroy America. I love America. He loves Wall Street. And Big Oil.”

Heller: “You know what she doesn’t love? Washoe County. She couldn’t even find Reno on a map until this election. And they will remember that.”

Berkley: “Some of my best friends are northerners. Like Jill Derby. And….wait…um….”

Moderator: If we could please move on to the last question: Congresswoman, what will you do for the large Hispanic population in this state.”

Berkley: “Great, great question. I will pass the DREAM Act. I will help solve the immigration problem. I will do this together with President Obama, who I ran away from before but now I love him because he’s doing well in this state and can help me. Did I say that out loud? Oh and: He loves Wall Street and Big Oil and wants to end Medicare as we know it.”

Moderator: “Senator?

Heller: “Well, my wife speaks Spanish and she is in an ad doing so. Need I say more? I better not. Oh, and (pointing at Berkley): She’s unethical!”

Moderator: Thanks for this illumining debate on the critical issues.”

Reid, from audience: “This one’s over, Dean. You lose!”