'Tis the season of giving, so in that spirit I offer my advice for the troubled Nevada Republican Party, which was the subject of this unintentioanlly humorous piece in the "newspaper" that included the Clark GOP chairwoman withholding support for Gov. Brian Sandoval.
This is a group that needs help, one that needs an upgrade to be classified as a "laughingstock" after a cycle in which it was avoided by every campaign and relegated to the background by a shadow organization erected to work around it. So I humbly give the GOP a 12-step recovery program:
►Step 1 -- Tell all the Ron Paul supporters that there has been a huge gold discovery in Monterrey, Mexico. Once they go over the border, revoke their GOP central committee memberships.
►Step 2 -- Get state Chairman Michael McDonald to step down and give him the title of "Chief Party Development Officer." He knows a lot about development.
►Step 3 -- Get Sandoval elected as chairman of every county party and the state party. Have him give a "We are one Nevada" speech as he travels through all 17 counties.
►Step 4 -- Lt. Gov. Brian Krolicki doesn't have much to do now that Sandoval took over economic development. Appoint him "GOP Goodwill Ambassador" and let him travel around the state doing rallies.
►Step 5 -- Don't just have people "contact" voters, which was the old strategy. This time, have them "contact" and actually "register" them.
►Step 6 -- Send out news releases attacking Democrats instead of your own elected officials. I know it seems like a foreign concept, but try it.
►Step 7 -- Get Catherine Cortez Masto to switch parties, thus taking her out of Sandoval's way, by offering her the plum job of "Latino and Women Outreach Coordinator."
►Step 8 -- Pass a resolution declaring Sheldon Adelson as "The Greatest Human Ever to Set Foot on Earth." A few days later, ask him for $10 million.
►Step 9 -- Pass a resolution declaring Steve Wynn as "The Greatest Human Ever to Set Foot ont he Earth." Before he finds out Adelson got one, too, ask him for $10 million.
►Step 10 -- Revoke all credentials of current state central committee members and simply appoint Mike Slanker, Pete Ernaut and Ryan Erwin as the only members. Approve new bylaws that allow the consultants to control everything. (Ask Harry; it works.)
►Step 11 -- Get a secret contract with Mark Mellman to do your polling. Have him do it under the pseudonym, "Michael McDonald."
►Step 12 -- Recruit Sen. Dean Heller to do a "Nevermind Tour" in which he renounces what he said about The DREAM Act and anchor babies, culminating in East Las Vegas where he declares, in Spanish, "We are all Latinos now."
This a guaranteed 12-step program, or you get your money back, GOP. Indeed, I'll match what you have in your coffers right now.